THE US REPORT

At the moment the US presidential election offers vast potential for imaginative news coverage, with Obama-drama raging over the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Clinton (finally!) recovering from sniper fire in Bosnia, and McCain going about business as usual as though he hadn’t a care (or a strategist) in the world, and the Associated Press (Apr. 28) declaring ‘Clinton leads McCain by 9 points.’ Problem with that AP headline is the story is stacked and you don’t get down to the nuts and bolts of that poll until the final paragraph. The writer does mention this fairly early on, however: 30 percent of Clinton supporters and 21 percent of Obama supporters said they would vote for McCain in November if their preferred candidate didn't win the nomination.

I confess US citizens are vested in this election. I have read messages and stories declaring the effect Obama has on fans—think Elvis. I have read heavy criticism of Clinton, and some of those comments, if they were a movie, would be completely unrated. MoveOn dot whatever—you know, George Soros’s Clinton-hatin’, Betrayus clan—is running snippets of remarks by McCain in an effort to convince Americans the Arizona senator wants to keep the guns a’blazin’ for the next century or millennium, depending on your imaginative abilities and lack of access to the full text of what McCain said, and more importantly what he implied. I am getting daily emails from various friends who beg me to vote for their preferred candidate even though I only get to vote once.

Ironically, not a single media outlet has talked about a single candidate’s actual voting record (other than the famed McCain-Feingold legislation) and McCain’s statement about $3 million for a grizzly bear study which, according to Townhall’s glossy new magazine (May, ’08) was actually a grizzly bear count. As an avid environmentalist, would somebody please tell me how you spend $3 million to count bears? I’m serious. I’ll count ‘em for half that amount. Long as I can take a shotgun with me.

But the AP story is the latest cherry on top of the sundae. Here’s why. Start with the headline: ‘AP Poll: Clinton leads McCain by 9 points.’ The first 20 or so paragraphs in the story extol Clinton (unusual for media, I know). But it’s the last para that really begs a second look and also begs what the hell the AP editors are doing on their lunch break. I’d like to try some myself. Here it is and you tell me why it’s a surprise a Democrat is ahead in this poll. (Feel free to use the comment form below): The poll, taken April 23-27, questioned 1,001 adults nationally, with a margin of error of 3.1 percentage points. Included were interviews with 457 Democratic voters and people leaning Democratic, with a margin of sampling error of plus or minus 4.6 points, and 346 Republicans or GOP-leaning voters, with a margin of sampling error of plus or minus 5.3 points.

So in that poll we got 111 more Dems or Dem-leaners than Repubs or Repub-leaners, with I guess 198 undecideds? 198 phantoms? 198 interviewees on drugs? I’m subtracting the total results from the total polled. No one seemed to notice this—not the guys on CNN, or the guys on Fox, or even McCain’s strategists. Was this actually a poll or a work of fiction?

I figure this election is gonna get so crazy Howard Dean might be talkin’ in whispers at the DNC national convention and decide he wants to run himself. I figure Ronald Reagan may pull a Lazarus and show up to claim the GOP nomination, Karl Rove may declare his support for Ron Paul and Dem strategist Bob Beckel may go down on his knees and confess his suggestions to the DNC on how to select a presidential candidate were inspired by a night of very hard partying.

 At the moment, the US presidential election coverage feels a little like a scene from a fantasy film, with Mickey Mouse and Darth Vader flashing each other gang signs on a gangplank straight out of 'Pirates of the Caribbean.' Or one of Andy Warhol’s films, depending on your preference and intellect.

And we’re just getting started. Be leery. Very leery. “Fudge.”

[Filed by Kay B. Day; watch the video for the 'fudge' allusion if it just doesn't sink in otherwise.]