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Thursday
Aug132009

Warning issued about new type of extremist in Florida

Exclusive to The US Report

A new type of extremist has been spotted in Florida and officials believe it may be present in some other Southern states. To date there has been no violence, but watchdogs believe it is only a matter of time.

We were unable to get anyone in Washington to go on the record using a real identity. But an anonymous insider told us what he heard as he served certified Fair Trade coffee and Chicago pastries piped with a decorative design modeled after a union label. A group of high level security officials gathered for a secret meeting in the capital.

“They call them ‘Frightwing Extremists,’” he said of the latest radicals added to a suspect list for homegrown terrorism. The Frightwingers join tax protesters, healthcare activists and small government proponents on a list of those whose allegiance to the Democratic Party is in question. “They’ll probably add constitutional fanatics next,” he said. “Those guys really disturb us. We just don't get their obsession with the Constitution.”

Our insider server, a confirmed union member, actually saw a photo of the Frightwingers. “And let me tell you, these extremists could easily cause chaos if they descend on Congress. Our leading Democrats are just not young anymore—Murtha’s almost 80. Leahy is 70. Reid is almost 70. Nobody’s seen Teddy in awhile. And if one of those things came near Speaker Pelosi—she’s about 70 too but a lot of them don’t put their birth dates on their websites anymore after all the jokes about McCain during the election—my God, the shock could cause lasting damage to our speaker. I mean, Congresswoman Pelosi is already seeing swastikas everywhere but when we look we don’t see them. It’s weird.”

He frowned. “Some in our party are even seeing Confederate flags in kiosks that sell Southern history stuff. It’s frightening.”

Conservatives, our insider said, will probably refuse to take the latest extremist reports seriously. “A known conservative actually came into the room briefly—she had picked up a bunch of ‘Organizing for America’ signs from one of the healthcare townhalls. She told them President Barack Obama might be able to recycle them for union groups and ACORN—those things cost a lot to print. She took one look at the Frightwing--there's only one known image-- and for some reason, she cracked up as she left the room. She laughed so hard it hurt my ears; I have very sensitive ears because of my allergies. Nobody could figure what was so funny and her behavior made them a little suspicious. I heard one official say, ‘Get her on the BIG FISHY list now!’”

The other problem with this new extremist is mobility. “They can get in just about anywhere,” he said. “And you have to be especially careful in the Rose Garden. It wouldn’t take those things long at all to wreck the place. I don’t even want to think about the First Lady’s garden.”

What about all those stories about the human waste sludge and lead in Mrs. Obama’s garden?

“Oh, that was just media gone wild,” said our insider. “The garden is just fine.”

Asked what national security officials plan to do, he said, “Monitor, monitor, monitor! They talked about asking people to report anything fishy, like at cookouts and birthday parties and campouts—those reports go on the LITTLE FISHY list. They’re also planning some species profiling, but they’re kind of worried about PETA complaining about that.” And big corporations may help. “We’re hoping companies like GE and a few pharmaceuticals might pay for some public service announcements telling people to email their tips.”

Our insider said an announcement will be made in the near future. “I don’t know when because I had to dash out and go get some Turbinado sugar for their coffee,” he said.

“Statists don’t like white sugar?” I asked.

“Oh, white will do if they can’t get anything else. Suppliers sent us bags of sugar with the word ‘Dixie’ on the label.”

The TUSR recognized the sugar brand bearing the word Dixie—it’s a household staple in the South.

“Democrats won’t touch that stuff,” said our insider. Before running off to organize volunteers to ask questions at another townhall meeting, he said, “One more thing, because I like you. Do you have a Bible in your house?”

We responded, “Of course. More than one, actually.”

“I’d hide them if I were you,” he said. “We’ve got community organizations helping with the Census, and word is, they’re gonna count Bibles too. We got a special list for that group.”

 This photo is believed to be the only image of the frightwing extremists that have Democratic leaders concerned. Our insider verified their numbers are large, especially in Southern states.[Photo by Kristiano Leme]

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    “Rightwing extremism in the United States can be broadly divided into those groups, movements, and adherents that are primarily hate-oriented (based on hatred of particular religious, racial or ethnic groups), and those that are mainly antigovernment, rejecting federal authority in favor of state or local authority, or rejecting government authority entirely. It may include groups and individuals that are dedicated to a single issue, such as opposition to abortion or immigration.”

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